Today is Sunday May 5, this morning I was informed about Brother Butchs passing. I remember him from the first time I attended the church; I was comforted by the color of his skin. That sounds racist and it is, but what I know now that I did not know then was that the previous ministry that occupied those walls was very racist. They were a black church and they intended to stay a black church; praise Him that my God doesn’t see color!
My first time of walking into the sanctuary was bitter-sweet. Instantly what I saw with my naked eye comforted my long awaited acceptance from my peers and elders… but, my spirit felt disgusted and unwelcomed. Back then, I was still permitting my natural self to dictate the choices I made. So I ignored my spirit and stayed in that church because of the brief moment of total acceptance that I saw with my natural eye.
Visually that morning what I saw was the Pastor front and center with Jeans, Sneaks and a Steeler’s Jersey on… He was a younger preacher, younger than what I was used to. His smile was wide and his eyes were soft. The old school church, I was accustomed to, harshly judged my generation and never took the time to get to know us. They indulged in judgment all the while judging us from a distance, unable to hear that we were preaching the same Message; when I saw the pastor dressed that way on Super bowl Sunday 2006 – I said to myself “He gets it”.
He gets it has come to mean so much more than I could see on that day. I see how the seed that was sown that day has blossomed into a full tree. My pastor said a while back that he was going to pour into me… and I nodded but couldn’t see it. I now see the Agape Love in action and I acknowledge the Word of God on my life, everyday in all I do. My God is always with me, He doesn’t abandon me, He stays close and guides me. My pastor is a lot like that. My pastor is a pure reflection of Gods’ Love.
God confirmed something to me that day in 2006, in my spirit. The Lord gave me peace-filled permission that I could stop searching. That this place was going to completely restore me. The sanctuary was filled with smiling faces and warm embraces but the depth was insincere. I was on the outside of the clique from day one I felt it. Uneasiness overtook me it had been eight months of trying to penetrate the circle relentlessly, and then, I gave up. I started searching all over again for a church with people that were sincere. I felt that white people and black people are all the same – arrogant, ignorant and disloyal. If they weren’t even going to abide in the doctrine they professed to believe – how did I ever feel they were going to accept and welcome me, I got what I could from that experience and decided to move on.
February 2012 I felt the Lords pull on me to go back. To go back to the church and the direct spiritual authority of the Pastor, this time, not only go back but also to deliver a message. I was welcomed back with the same open arms and was tucked in during the Word I had to deliver. I found myself attending weekly services and even trying to make Bible Study but wasn’t able to form any connections with any one person. I recognized a lot of the same people but still – I was on the outside.
Armed with additional knowledge of the Word and a maturing spirit I refused to leave. I spoke with the Pastor about the things that were lying heavy on my heart and chose to again find a church that had something I thought I needed. Last summer I was busy with many family visits out of town most weekends and I drifted from a church that didn’t even care I was gone. Not one person reached out, except pastor on facebook.
I was out there and I was doing ministry. I was engaging with local Christians and I had an opportunity to participate in a Bible Study with people my age. God had been telling me that my search was for void, that, that wasn’t where He was guiding me. But, I was searching and continued to ignore Him. I’ve been ignoring His Voice in my head for some time now – and now with the passing of Brother Butch and the Word the Lord gave me to deliver to his wife… I am confident that the Lord wouldn’t fill my spirit with His anointing if He didn’t want me to use it.
–It’s now 15 months since my return and God has come full circle. Brother Butch was in church a few weeks ago. The same smile I remembered from way back when. His eyes glistening, the calm smile I remember from 2006 greeted me once again. Seven years later and I remember it as if it were yesterday.
My gifting is advancing – I hear the Word that God has for me to deliver. I heard the Voice of God in my spirit on Friday morning, just two days ago. It was a Word for both Brother Butch and sister Lorraine. For 45 minutes I spoke the Word I heard – it was heavy in my spirit and He instructed me to go and visit them and share it with them. I didn’t. I defied the Word of God, again.
I tried to understand the message I was given to deliver, I tried to put it together but I didn’t have all the information to do so. It wasn’t my place to understand I was simply the messenger. I still question why God choose me to do this very important task. I’ve never been very good at submission – and therein lies the point. The lesson in this season is to obey the Word of the Lord.
I felt another message in my spirit this morning; I thought I knew who it belonged to, but apparently not. I didn’t see that person walk through the doors so I chose not to share it with the congregation – Pastor asked me after service, he said he felt the nudge in his spirit – the Spirit of God moving through me. I continue to second guess myself.
After sitting on the porch with my family at Sister Lorraine’s; I realized that my authority comes from God who continues to confirm to me that I am hearing from Him; and my gifting will grow the more I use it. Let not my natural self guide me; instead, listen to the Voice inside.
I didn’t know Brother Butch in life, but the Holy Spirit told me he would be in heaven. The Holy Ghost showed me the spirit of a woman saying “I am here, at Heaven’s Gate waiting for you; your arrival is coming soon, and I am here waiting”. Death eludes me. And it comes in the passing-over of a spiritual brother our faith is made stronger. I am glad that God brought me to Morning Star Ministries – I’m glad that I witnessed the overflow of the hand of God on Brother Butch’s life. I’m filled with Joy to know that the people that I couldn’t connect with before, are now the people I most treasure. My spiritual family.
The Mustard Jar 