So in spending time with God this morning He brought to mind the night that I met the Holy Spirit. You know, I’ve come to realize the Holy Spirit met me a lot sooner than I realized.
I had been seeking God for a few years before then. I mean I grew up in the church but I never really comprehended my role in Gods family… I did have an actual example to follow – and my church really wasn’t trying to conceptualize Scripture for me. My connection with God was (almost) innate. Deep in my heart I believed that God existed but what I didn’t understand was Him in action. They said He was alive… but I didn’t feel Him alive in my life.
Now that I feel Him alive in every aspect of my life I realize… the Holy Spirit met me in my pew that night. It wasn’t on the walk to the front, it wasn’t during the Words God was speaking to me; it wasn’t in the car ride over to the church. The Holy Spirit met me in my pew when I, during worship, stopped singing and whispered to God, “I want You in my life, I want to feel You, and I know You are alive – Help me! Please Lord God!” … and then in my spirit in my mind I continued to beg Him to show Himself to me so that I could finally be assured in believing…
And that’s when I was called out… and asked to come to the front, because God had a message for me. For me. And in that journey to the front – I continued to beg God – “Let me feel what I’m supposed to feel, let me feel that You are here with me, let me know please Lord, Help me.” It was so emotional because I knew (deep down in my spirit) that God was going to answer this prayer. I knew He was real – but my mind continued to dominate my spirit. That is, until that moment –
Even if I wouldn’t have got called out… the Holy Spirit met me that night. He met me right there in my pew, assuring me – He was Comforting me and Releasing me from the self-gratification demon that tormented me for 25 years. Of course, 8-years later I’m finally getting it.
So this morning, I’m thanking God – for NEVER leaving me nor forsaking me.
How is being “under grace” different than being “under law?”
I want for the things I cannot do on my own. The Law forgives me for after the fact. Grace enables me to overcome before I do. Grace emits Life-Giving-Love and therefore I lose the desire to do the thing in the first place. With the Law, I desire to do it – therefore I do, and then I’m forgiven.
I’m realizing that the things that I want and desire are not a perversion. I want to be in a loving sold-out type of relationship that will lasts for 30+ years, in that relationship I want to be fully engaged sexually and intimately with that person. I want for those things and that is not bad. However, those thoughts have to flee from me now because I’m not in that relationship yet and by staying in those thoughts my desire to fulfill them will grow. So I have them, and I mean them – but I can’t stay in them and also stay in Righteousness.
I don’t want the roots to be alive. God has promised me that when His time has come, He will plant new plants in my soil (life). And that new plant (my husband) won’t have any foulness (sin) in Him. And in the courtship of that relationship – I will have all that I desire. I have to trust in-Him. I have to stay in-Christ.
Please keep me in prayer and I continue down this journey and battle the thoughts of my mind. I pray increase 
over your lives as you too sacrifice your desires and wants in order to apply the Word to your lives. In Jesus Name, Amen.
The Mustard Jar 